As far back as I can remember, I felt like I was different, like I didn’t fit in, like no one could possibly think the way I thought or feel the way I felt or like the things I liked so I kept these things to myself. I just needed to look around and I “thought” I proved this to myself! Others looked so happy.They were laughing while I was crying in my room. They seemed to enjoy eating ice cream and pizza while I starved myself. They participated in social activities while I sat alone in my room fearful of attending school the next day.
I did find comfort and escape, however, in journaling and reading.The highlight of my week was our weekly trips to our local library. My parents took my sisters and me each Saturday and I eagerly awaited this time when I picked out two or three new books for the coming week. This was like an oasis in the desert – I went home, opened these books and read in my bedroom. It was as if reading the printed black words on the white paper came to life when I read them- and gave me- or my life- color- and some meaning. I dreamed, had some hopes, and my anxiety decreased. Today, as I look back, I believe reading was a gift that laid the foundation for my body, mind, and spirit to be open to life through authors. That connection was blocked when I was severely depressed but it wasn’t lost. I was able to read to our daughters and pass that on.
I searched for books to connect with while I was desperately depressed to connect with however I could not find any that “spoke” to me. Perhaps my world was too dark or perhaps the books I found were too clinical or could not reach me where I was at. This need and the hope I found during those 13 years motivated me to write my personal story, not as a recipe, but to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with others.
God met me where I was at and I believe He wanted me to share this so others, in their need, might find Hope for their journey. My life today is not my own. I should have died. I am alive and well. That I believe is the primary reason I wrote this book. God graced me with life and asked me to pass along what I was given using the gifts He gave me.”I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.” Psalm 118:17